+ Nothing feels worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
+ There is a great need for sarcasm font.
+ Bad decisions make good stories.
+ Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
+ Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
+ More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
+ I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
+ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
+ I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
+ I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
+ The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
+ Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
+ What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
+ While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
+ MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
+ Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
+ I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
+ Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
+ Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
+ There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
+ I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
+ I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
+ I wonder if cops ever get irritated at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
+ I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Thanks goes to my longtime friend Joe C for sharing these thoughts with me.